The Inner Workings Of Hell
by SilverToaster
Summary: What Hell is really like for the demons
1. Coffee Break

**auThe Inner Workings Of Hell**

**Set in Season 4**

**AU: I know that some of the demons in this story have been killed by our two favourite hunters, but let's pretend they're still alive.**

**Chapter 1: Coffee Break**

Lilith strolled into the cafeteria; she'd been working hard all morning, trying to break the 65th seal.

Her effort paid off, even with those damn angels on her back, the penultimate seal was broken.

She deserved a cappuccino or two.

Lilith walked over to the coffee pot and poor herself a cup.

She took her coffee and sat down across from Azazel, who was busy reading the newspaper.

"Hey there, Az."

"Hey Lilith, I heard you broke the 65th seal."

"Yep" she replied, feeling pleased with herself.

"I knew you could do it, just one more left" Azazel said, smiling.

Lilith returned the smile, she was glad that someone had complete faith in her.

Lilith was just about to take a sip of her steaming hot coffee, when a quiet sobbing stopped her.

"Who's that?" she whispered to Azazel.

Azazel just nodded his head towards the spot where the sobbing was being emitted, and then continued to read his paper.

Lilith looked over to the back table in the corner; behind it she could see the whimpering figure of the Crossroads demon.

Lilith walked over to her.

"Hey Crossroads, what's wrong?"

The Crossroads demon started to bawl.

"Was it something I said?" she asked.

"I...I hav...haven't got a...a...a na...name..." the Crossroads demon finally managed to say.

Lilith sighed.

"Well, that's your own fault isn't it, you shouldn't have made that deal."

"But those chocolate chips cookies were delicious." Crossroads replied and she began to cry even louder.

Lilith shook her head and returned to her table.

"She traded her name for cookies?" Azazel asked her, raising one eyebrow.

Lilith nodded.

Azazel returned to his paper.

A high pitched screaming filled the cafeteria.

"Sound like Alastair going at it again." Azazel said, without looking up from his paper.

A couple of seconds later a hysterical Meg ran in, quickly followed by Alastair, who dangled a dead rat in front of him.

"Alastair, no, stop it, STOP IT!" Meg screamed, obviously afraid of rats.

"Oh, come on Meggy, it's only a rat, look it want to be your friend." said Alastair, laughing.

Lilith closed her eyes; she only wanted a bit of quiet.

Azazel could see the frustration in Lilith's face.

"Hey Al, isn't there a soul you should be torturing?" he asked in a way that made the question seem more like a fact.

Alistair stopped, "Yeah, sure."

Alistair threw the rat at a screaming Meg and left the cafeteria laughing menacingly.

Lilith smiled at Azazel, it's was good to know that he was watching out for her.

"Thanks Az." Meg said, slowly calming down.

"What you got planned today?" Lilith asked Meg in an attempt to get her mind off the rat, she'd gotta admit, Alastair sure knew how to torture.

"Well, I'm gonna ruin the lives of a few unsuspecting college girls," Meg started "But first I've gotta crawl out of hell." she frowned at the thought of the long haul out of here.

"I'd better get started if I'm gonna get out of here anytime soon." Meg grumbled, and then walked off.

Lilith laughed to herself.

Demons; always ready with a snide remark but don't have enough common sense to use the front door.

She continued to drink her coffee.

"Attention," said a voice coming from the PA system "Would Lilith please go to Lucifer's office immediately."

Lilith sighed, seems like her coffee break was over.

Azazel chuckled "Sounds like you've been summoned."

Lilith got up and began making her way to Lucifer's office.

Walking through Hell, she could hear the screams from the souls on the rack.

She smiled the fact that though Hell is considered the worse place imaginable, she loved it here.

Better then that arctic craphole up there anyway.

"Hey Casey." she said to a passing demon.

The demon just waved back.

Lilith turned into the corridor where Lucifer's office was situated.

The fiery doors loomed over her.

Unexpectedly, one of the doors creaked open.

"_Strange,"_ she thought to herself _"Lucifer's too lazy to get up and open his doors."_

In fact, it was his severe laziness that got him kicked out of Heaven in the first place, not that bullcrap story he had made up.

The very same laziness was the reason why Lucifer had been in Hell for so long, he couldn't be arsed to claw his way out, he'd just spent the last god knows how long looking for an easier way.

It took him a while, especially with his chronic laziness, but he'd finally found the perfect way out for him.

Of course, this way involved someone else doing all the hard work.

To Lilith's surprise, it wasn't Lucifer who opened the door, but Ruby.

Lilith rolled her eyes, she knew it, there was definitely something going on between them.

"Hey there, Lily." Ruby said, looking exceptionally pleased with herself.

Lilith groaned, she hated being called Lily.

"Ruby." she simply answered and stepped past into Lucifer's office.

"Ah, Lilith I've been expecting you." Lucifer said, sort of like a James Bond villain

"What do you need?" she asked him, she had become used to being his slave, that's why he created demons in the first place, to do his work.

"Well..." he began "It's about the last seal."

"What about it?"

"In order for the last seal to be broken, you have to be killed. Okay? Good." he said without giving Lilith a chance to respond.

"But sir..." she said, searching for a way out, "Why can't you just use the front door?"

Lucifer looked at her.

"_Damn!"_ he thought to himself _"I'd completely forgot about the front door."_

"Yeah, but..." he began, trying to sound like he was aware of the existence of the front door,

"This way's so much more dramatic."


	2. Retirement

**Chapter 2: Retirement**

"I'm sorry Lilith, truly I am, but has to happen, for the greater good" Lucifer said.

"Lucifer, please..."started Lilith

"Think of it as early retirement, okay?"

Lilith nodded, she didn't want to piss him off, he may be lazy, but he's pretty handy with a baseball bat.

"Right" Lucifer said, handing Lilith a piece of paper "These of the coordinates for where my dramatic entrance will be made, and where you gotta die... I mean where the last seal must be broken, okay? You got 2 hour to set your affairs in order, blahdy blah blah, get to it."

Holding back tears, Lilith left.

Of course Lucifer had ulterior motives for getting rid of Lilith.

He always had ulterior motives.

He knew that she knew about him and Ruby.

Luckily she didn't know that he knew that she knew about him and Ruby.

Cuz that would be awkward.

Not to mention confusing.

Lucifer really wasn't that bright.

It's bad for Lucifer that Lilith knows about him and Ruby because all the demons would rebel if they thought he had a favourite.

If the demons leave him, then who would bring him his pop tarts, he was far too lazy to get them himself.

And for that reason, she had to go.

Lilith ran crying through hell and collapsed down into a chair next to Azazel.

He was still in the cafeteria, reading the newspaper.

He couldn't actually read, but he liked to pretend he could.

It made him seem smart..

Azazel looked at Lilith and put his paper down.

"What's wrong?" he asked, putting an arm around her.

"It's the last seal."

"Lilith, I know you can do it, I have faith in you, you can set us free."

Lilith started crying harder.

"Lilith?"

"The last seal is broken when I die" she said, looking into his eyes.

The crossroads demon looked up from beneath her table.

She was still sobbing about her lack of a name.

But now Lilith was going to die, maybe she could take hers.

She got up and went to ask Lucifer if she could have Lilith's name.

Azazel looked at Lilith, wishing he could take her place.

"What am I suppose to do?" she sobbed to him.

Azazel leaned close to her and whispered in her ear .

"Run."

Lilith looked at him, tears still trickling down her face.

"Lilith, go to where Lucifer's gate opens," he said, pulling a page out of his little pocket book, it was coloured coded so he knew what was on each page "and use this enchantment, it'll stop Lucifer from rising, permanently."

He gave the page to her.

"Thanks," she whispered.

She gave him a hug and then made her way to the front door.

He sighed, regretting what he had just done.

From the unlit corner of the cafeteria, a figure emerged clapping.

It was Ruby.

"Nice performance Az, you deserve an Oscar."

Azazel scowled at her.

Lucifer knew Lilith wouldn't go through with the last seal.

So he had a plan B.

But with Lucifer not being bright and all, he got Ruby to come up with the plan.

"I can't believe I just did that." Azazel whispered.

"Az, you loyalty to Lucifer will be rewarded, soon he'll be free."

"I still don't understand how your gonna...kill her." Azazel winced; he didn't want to think of Lilith being dead.

"Well, that's because of you." Ruby said smiling.

Azazel snapped his head up to look at her.

"I have to..." he said, trailing off.

"Not exactly, one of your special kids does it."

"Sam?"

"Yep."

"How'd you know he'll go along with it?"

"Lilith sent his precious brother to Hell, he wants revenge."

Azazel shook his head, "He can't do it, he's not strong enough."

"That's why I've been training him."

"He wants this; he wants hell to be unleased onto the Earth."

"He doesn't exactly know that killing Lilith will bring the apocalypse, he thinks it will stop it."

Ruby looked at her watch.

"Time to go, got a meeting with Sam."

Azazel watched her go.

"What have I done?" he whispered to himself.

* * *

Crossroads stood in front of Lucifer.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"Well, I was wondering if I could have Lilith name, y'know seeing as she's a dead demon walking?"

"No."

"Why?" she wailed.

"Because, it's your own damn fault, you had a name but you decided cookies were more important."

"Please?"

"No"

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaase?"

"Noooooooooooooooooooooo."

Crossroads began to whimper again.

"Now get the Hell outta here" Lucifer said to her.

Crossroads walked out of his office, sulking.


	3. Revenge Is A Dish Best Served With Blood

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served With Blood

Lilith sat on the 12 foot high pile of dead demons.

They had been sent in a futile attempt to kill her .

"Lucifer should know better" she said to her self.

"He knows I'm the strongest, why the hell would he send these bozos."

She looked down at the mass of broken bodies.

"He has wasted 138 of his loyal demons, I knew he wasn't very smart, but I didn't think he was this moronic."

Lilith started to think about Lucifer's motives for sending these demons, if it wasn't to kill her then what...

A light bulb materialised above Lilith's head.

She had worked out Lucifer's real plan.

These demons were just distracters.

But what was he trying to distract her from?

Who was he really sending to kill her?

Lilith narrowed he eyes and a frown appeared on her face.

"Sam Winchester." she said through gritted teeth.

Of course, he was the only one strong enough to kill demons and he'll jump at the chance of killing her, after all she did send his beloved brother to hell.

Suddenly it all made sense.

This was the master plan for Sam, this why was he was chosen to be one of Azazel's special children.

Which means Azazel was in on it.

She would get him back for his betrayal.

But first she had to figure out a way to stop Sam.

Lilith smiled .

She had an idea.

She would go to Sam and make a deal to stop the apocalypse.

If he thought it was over, he wouldn't hunt her.

No apocalypse, no Lucifer.

She would be alive and would be able to plot against Lucifer and take hell for herself.

She grinned and took off to search for the younger Winchester.

* * *

Meg laughed to herself.

Blemishing a poor, innocent young college girl's reputation was Meg's favourite pastime.

Today, her victim was Cinnamon Williams, a blue eyed brunette who dreamed of becoming a veterinarian.

Though today's little display will probably stop that from happening.

While dressed in Cinnamon's body, Meg had put on a Barney the Dinosaur suit and danced around the campus, singing.

"_I love you_

_You love me_

_We're a happy family_

_With a great big hug _

_And a kiss from me to you_

_Won't you say you love me too?"_

Meg cackled to herself.

A tall, blonde guy walked up to Meg/Cinnamon.

"Erm... Cinny... I don't think this is working out," eying her bizarre costume "I'll see you around...maybe." he said before he walked off.

Meg could hear the screams of protest coming from Cinnamon.

"_Noooo, Jay, come back, please come back._"

Meg felt pleased with herself.

"_Stop this, please, why are you doing this to me._" Cinnamon yelled.

"_Because I can._" she said smugly.

"_And because it's fun._"

And with that, Meg waddled off, her purple tail waggling behind her.

* * *

Back in hell, Alistair was cleaning his knives after a long day torturing.

He turned on his stereo and started humming to the Lion King soundtrack.

He picked up his Mr. Sheen polish and began to make his favourite blade shiny.

There was a knock at his door.

"Come in."

The Crossroads demon stood before him.

"Hey Al..." she began.

"No."

"But..."

"No."

"Alis..."

"NO!"

"Please?"

"Road, I'm not gonna give you my name."

"But..."

"No, if I give you my name, what am I suppose to be called? The torture guy?"

"Man with the shiny knives."

"Man with the shiny...No, leave me alone."

"But..."

"No."

Crossroad demon lowered her head and left, sulking.

Alistair turned his stereo up and started singing, well more like shouting, to Hakuna Matata.


	4. The Other Fallen Angel

**The Other Fallen Angel**

Lilith walked down a dark alley.

The information on the where abouts of Sam Winchester was incorrect.

She had to start again from square one.

She was pissed.

Heads are gonna roll.

Lilith stops at the sight of a shadowy figure leaning against a dustbin.

The figure turns to face Lilith.

"I can help you." he whispers, loud enough for her to hear.

"And you are?" She said fiercely, walking over to him.

He was tall with caramel eyes and thick, scruffy, chestnut brown hair that was messily styled into a faux hawk.

"I'm an angel..." he said, looking down "Sort of..."

"And why would a angel help me?" she spat at him.

"Because I'm a fallen angel." He said sombrely.

Looking into his eyes, Lilith sensed a sort of emptiness.

"When Lucifer was kicked out of Heaven, he decided to take me down with him, the other angels believed that Lucifer was too lazy to create demons by himself and so the only logical explanation was that I helped him" he explained "I swear though, I never did anything to betray my father, I would never... anyway, when Michael took down Lucifer, I decided to fall so that I could escape the same fate and find a way to prove my innocence."

"I thought angels lost all memory of being an angel when they fall." Lilith said, questioning his story.

"They do, but I held onto my grace tightly, I wasn't gonna let that go."

"So you want revenge against Lucifer?"

"Yes, and to show the rest of the angels were my loyalty lies."

"I believe you, otherwise you would have killed me on sight, fine you can assist me, but you have to do what I say."

The angel nodded.

"I need all the help I can get."

"_Besides, having an angel on my side would be beneficial, even if he is a fallen._" she said to herself.

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Nouka."

* * *

Alistair picked up his newly cleaned blade and turned towards his next victim.

"So, what's you name?"

"Bite me." The guy spat at him.

"Bite me? What a lovely name, I wonder if crossroads would like it...I can worry about that later, but first I think we have a little business to attend to," he said, digging his blade into the guy's abdomen .

The guy tried to resist the urge to scream but it overwhelmed him and he let out a shriek of absolute pain.

"Looks like someone needs a pay rise." came a voice from the door.

Alistair turned around and came face to face with Lucifer.

He looked at the clock on the wall.

1:30pm.

This is way too early for Lucifer to be out of bed.

"Hey Boss, what can I do for you?"

"I need a favour." he asked.

"Sure, what do you need?"

"We have a small problem with Operation: Let's get the hell outta here."

"Lilith?"

"Yes, but that's not what I'm referring to, there is this angel, who I know will do anything to stop us from achieving our goal of catching all 493 Pokémon and completing our Pokédex."

Alistair shot him a confused look.

"I mean world domination... anyways this angel needs to be stopped."

"I'm not sure what I can do... only you have the power to kill angels."

"Yeah, but I don't want you to kill him, I want you to find him, I would, but I can't be bothered."

Alistair rolled his eyes at Lucifer's laziness.

"Okay, but how the hell am I suppose to find him?"

"By using your 'special skills'."

Alistair looked at him in confusion.

"Flower arranging?"

"No" Lucifer said, Gibb slapping Alistair "With torture, I'll point you in the direction of those who know his location and you'll get it out of them."

"Oh...okay, what's the angel's name?"

"Nouka."

* * *

Nouka walked cautiously into the abandoned warehouse.

He pushed opened the main office door and walked through.

Slowly, he approached the man at the other end of the room, who had his back turned away from Nouka.

"I see you made it, Nouka." he said turning around.

"Of course I did, Zachariah."

"Did Lilith believe you wanted to help her?"

"Yes."

"Good, you are clear on what the plan is?"

"Yes, I have to get Sam Winchester to kill Lilith to start the apocalypse."

"Well done, I see your training paid off...in the end."

"Sir, I never betrayed Heaven."

"Well, this is your chance to prove it."

Nouka nodded.

"And when Lucifer comes out of his cage, we can finish him once and for all, I'll contact you if you have any more orders."

Zachariah began to walk away.

"Zac?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for this chance of redemption."

"No problem, you deserve it, besides, I know you didn't do anything wrong or you would be helping him, not us."

Nouka smiled for the first time in ages.

"See you later, Nouka."

**AU: So, what do you guys think of my new character?**


	5. Making Deals

**Making Deals**

"So, you want me to get those embarrassing photos of you off the internet?" Crossroads asked the guy who stood in front of her.

"Yes," He replied hesitantly.

"It'll cost ya."

"I know..." he said, looking down.

"Okay then," Crossroads smiled "In exchange for my help, you have to give me your name,"

The guy snapped his up to look at her.

"Hell no! I'm nowhere near that stupid, what moronic idiot would give away their name."

Crossroads scowled at him.

"Deals off," the guy said as he walked back to his car.

Crossroads watched him drive off and slumped down into the mud.

She sighed.

This had been her 74th attempt to get a new name.

And it had failed.

* * *

Nouka walked into the crowded Starbucks and began looking around for Zachariah.

The ringing being emitted from his phone stopped his search.

Nouka pulled out his phone from his leather jacket and answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hey Nouka, its Zachariah."

"Hey Zac, where are you?"

"Across the road."

Nouka looked out towards the other side of the road.

Zac was waving to him.

He was in the other Starbucks across the street.

"I'll get us a table," Zac said, hanging up.

Nouka put his phone away and made his way over to the other Starbuck.

After dodging numerous cars, Nouka hadn't figured out the significance of the little red man yet, Nouka reached the Starbucks.

He pushed open the door and scanned the place for Zac.

Zachariah was sitting in the far corner, drinking his coffee.

Nouka sat in the chair across from Zac.

"Here you go," Zac said, passing Nouka a coffee.

"Thanks," Nouka replied and began to drink.

"Right, now to business," Zac handed Nouka a small piece of paper "This is where Sam Winchester will be tonight, go tell Lilith, she'll find Sam and Sam'll kick her ass."

"I thought Lilith could only be killed at a certain place for the apocalypse to begin?"

"Nouka, what have I told you about Lucifer?"

"He's the laziest son of a bitch that has and will ever live."

"Exactly, the last seal can be broken anywhere, but there's one place where it's easier for Lucifer to get out."

Nouka looked at the piece of paper.

"Are you sure Sam's gonna be here?"

"Positive, I heard it from a prophet."

* * *

There was a knock at the door.

Sam Winchester took a deep breath and answered it.

No one was there.

He spun around and was confronted with Lilith.

"I've been expecting you" he said.

"Yeah, yeah, let's drop the small talk shall we?" Lilith replied.

"Okay, what do you want?"

"A deal."

"What kind of deal?"

"One where I stop the apocalypse"

"And why would you do that?"

Lilith put her hands on her hips.

"Is that some of your business?" she asked.

"Fine, what do you want in return?"

"Boy, do you ask a lot of questions, Google must be sick of you."

Sam glared.

"Okay, in exchange for stopping the apocalypse, I want your Optimus Prime shirt."

Sam gasped.

"NEVER!" he exclaimed.

Suddenly, the motel door burst open.

In the doorway stood Dean and Chuck.

Dean grabbed Chuck by the collar and threw him at Lilith.

"I am the prophet Chuck!" Chuck said nervously.

"What the fuck..." Lilith responded.

The room began to shake violently.

"Chuck's got an Archangel watching out for him, and it'll smite any demon that comes near him." Dean said smugly.

Lilith's face froze in terror.

She jumped out the window and began running door the road, screaming and flailing her arms wildly.

"That was...unexpected." Dean said.

_THUD!_

Dean and Sam turned around to find Chuck passed out on the floor.

"Okay, that was a little expected."

"You think we should help him?" Sam asked.

"Nah, anyway Sammy, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Good. What did she want?"

"To make a deal to stop the apocalypse in exchange for my Optimus Prime tee."

Dean gasped.

"SHE WANTED WHAT!" Dean began to hyperventilate.

"Dean, c'mon I wasn't gonna say yes."

Dean started to calm down.

"You alright?"

"Yeah, fine Sammy."

"Why do you think she wanted to stop breaking seals?"

"Dunno, but anyway, we have to get out of here."

"Why, Lilith isn't gonna come back with Chuck around," Sam said, pointed to the prophet on the floor.

"I know, but there is no way I'm gonna pay to fix that window."

* * *

Lilith was in China before she stopped running.

She leaned over and began to pant.

"Damn," she said.

The rules of Demon Dealing clearly state that a deal can only happen if the things being traded are of equal value, the only thing she could ask for was that damn tee.

She should have known Sam would never part with it.

And as for the Archangel...

Lilith shivered, she had been afraid off angels since a angel-topped Christmas tree fell on top of her when she was a kid.

Suddenly, the Doctor Who theme tune filled the air.

The sound was coming from Lilith's phone.

"Hello?" she said, answering the call.

"Lilith, its Azazel."

Lilith frowned

"What do you want, Az?"

"I lied to you, I'm sorry."

"Too late." she replied coldly.

"Lilith, please listen to me, you have to be careful. Whatever you do, stay away from where Lucifer's cage opens, okay?"

"Why should I..." began but was cut off by the sounds of a struggle on the other end, "AZAZEL!"

A shrill beeping came from the phone.

He had hung up, or at least, someone had hung up for him.


	6. Know Your Place

**Know Your Place**

The two demon thugs attacked Azazel viciously.

"_AZAZEL!_" Came a voice from the other end of Azazel's phone.

Demon thug #1 snatched the phone, threw it on the floor and stamped on it whilst Demon thug #2 put Azazel in a headlock and gave him a nudgie.

Azazel held his own against the two demons and fought back valiantly.

He was actually winning against them until one of them pulled out a SIG-Sauer P228 and pistol whipped him.

Azazel fell to the floor.

Demon Thug #2 grabbed Azazel's legs and began to drag his limp body away.

* * *

Mr. and Mrs. Williams looked at their daughter in disbelief.

Lately she had behaving differently.

The first time it happened, she had come home from college dressed in a Barney the dinosaur outfit.

Now she was sitting on the couch next to a pile of broken electronics and ornaments.

She had been smashing them whilst saying "Can we fix it? Yes we can!" repeatedly.

"Cinnamon, honey, are you okay?" Mrs. Williams asked.

Cinnamon looked at her parents.

In a deep voice she said.

"I'm not Cinnamon; I'm Bob, Bob the builder!"

Meg laughed from within side the girl.

Watching all those children's TV shows has obviously had an effect on her.

Meg laughed even harder when the Bob the builder theme tune started playing form her phone.

It took her several minutes to realise that she should actually answer it.

"Hello?" she said down the phone in her best Bob the builder impression.

"Meg?" a voice asked

"Yep."

"You gotta come back to hell, something's going on with Azazel" replied the voice, who turned out to be Alistair.

"Okay, I'm on my way."

Meg looked up to see Mr. and Mrs. Williams staring at her.

"I gotta go...erm...rescue Pilchards."

And she left.

* * *

Azazel sat tied to a chair in Lucifer's office.

He was unconscious.

Lucifer stood at the window.

He was mad; Azazel was the second demon to betray him in a week.

There was no way he was gonna take this lying down, he had to act to show the rest of the demons that he was in charge.

Azazel began to stir.

Lucifer turned around to meet Azazel's eyes.

"You..." Azazel said, trailing off.

"I know she was your friend Az, but you belong to me."

Azazel looked down.

"You betrayed me Az..."

"Yeah, well you betrayed her!" Azazel replied venomously

Lucifer scowled.

"I created her, she belongs to me, and I have the right to make her do anything I ask!" He roared at the tied up demon

Azazel clenched his fists; he was furious, but also frightened.

Lucifer regained composure.

He began to pace around the room, out of Azazel's vision.

He stopped behind the demon and put his hands on Azazel's shoulders.

"I created demons, and I allowed them to have power far outweighing that of humans, I let them live freely and do whatever they choose. The only thing I asked for in return is unquestioned loyalty. You have worked hard for me Azazel, and I appreciate it... but your services are no longer required."

Lucifer grabbed Azazel neck and twisted it until a loud snapping noise was heard.

Lucifer let go of the dead demon's neck.

Slowly, he made his way to his chair and sat down.

He picked the phone and called his secretary.

"Casey. Clean up in my office."

* * *

Meg strolled absent mindedly into the cafeteria, thinking about what kids show she should torture Cinnamon with next.

Currently, Cinnamon was safely stowed away in the over head compartment of an abandoned plane.

Meg looked around the room and saw Alistair waving at her from their usual table.

"Hey guys" she said to him and Crossroads.

"You'll never guess what's happen" Crossroads said excitedly

"What?" Meg asked, sitting down.

"Well, I heard from Jack, who heard from Dan, who heard from Steve, who heard from Joe, who heard from Lila, who heard from Ruby, who heard from Kate, who heard from Casey, who overheard Lucifer saying that Azazel tried to warn Lilith about Lucifer's plan to kill her and now Az is in big trouble with Mr. Boss man." She said in one breath.

"I KNEW something was going on between Lil and Az," Alistair chimed in.

"So what's gonna happen to Az?" Meg asked.

"Dunno, he's in Lucifer's office now."

The PA system came to life.

"Attention all demons" came Lucifer's voice, "Azazel is kind of...dead, okay? This serves as a warning to all those who think about betraying me. Also, would the owner of the red 1985 El Camino please move your car. That is all"

The three demons looked at each other in shock.

Crossroads began to open her mouth.

"NO, ROADS! YOU CANNOT HAVE AZAZEL'S NAME!" Alistair snapped at her.

She hung her head in shame.


	7. When It Rains, Bring An Umbrella

Author's Note: I apologize for its extremmmmmme lateness. I've been busy.

When It Rains, Bring An Umbrella.

Sam waited a little impatiently outside McDonalds.

After the incident with Lilith, he had to speak to Ruby.

He had been waiting for 34 minutes.

And it was raining.

You could say he was starting to get a little pissed.

Suddenly, the door burst open and Ruby strolled out, her arms filled with McDonald's bags.

"Have you been in there this whole time!" Sam almost screamed at her

Ruby shrugged.

"It takes a while to heat up 45 apple pies."

"45 APPLE PIES? YOU BROUGHT 45 APPLE PIES?"

"Dude, these pies are fucking AWESOME!" she said as she stuffed one in her mouth.

Sam scowled.

"This is important, Ruby."

"And pies aren't?"

"No, Ruby, pies are nowhere near as important as the FRICKEN' APOCALYPSE!"

"Don't hate the pies, man."

"Your almost as bad as Dean when it comes to pies!"

Ruby sighed.

"What is it you need, Sam?"

"We have to talk about Lilith"

"Fine, but let's get out of here, it's raining."

Sam glared at Ruby.

He was soaking wet.

"Yeah!" He yells at her "I know that!"

He turned around and stormed off to the parked Impala rather girlishly.

"Y'know, if you had a shred of common sense you would have waited inside," Ruby yelled after him, "Or at least stayed in the car."

Sam flipped her off

* * *

Crossroads Demon sat down in the corner of the games room.

She was still crying over her lack of name.

Crossroads was alone in the games room.

After the pool tournament of 2002, no one comes in here anymore.

No one was allowed to beat Lucifer.

And he was pretty lousy.

If they did, he would have a fit, smash the windows and rip the guy's head off.

After that, the games room was no longer any fun.

It was also the reason why there was a strong draft in here.

It had been 7 months since she made her last deal.

Her preoccupation with her name has stopped her from doing her job.

Lucifer is going to be pissed.

When the PA called Crossroads to his office, it was like he knew she had been thinking about him.

Which he probably did, he was the devil after all.

Crossroads stumbled into Lucifer's office, expecting to get the biggest ass kicking of her life.

But Lucifer was calm.

AND he had shaved.

"Do you know why I've asked you here, Crossroads?" Lucifer asked.

She began to stutter.

Sweat dripped from her face.

"Because you want me to fix your heater?" she replied timidly.

"Correct, the darn thing has been driving me crazy, its like 10000 degrees in here."

"Sure, no problem."

Crossroads was the resident electrician.

"Good, and to thank you for it, I'm willing to give you a new name."

Crossroads eyes lit up

"Really? Thank you, sir."

"Okay, let me just get the random name generator up"

He began typing on his Apple Mac.

Yep, he was a Mac guy.

Everyone else believed him to be crazy because of it.

"Okay, here it is. Your new name is..."

*Drum roll*

"BERTRAM...wait, I had it set on male names, give me a minute...okay your new name is... PERSEPHONE"

"Persephone?" Crossroads said

"Why, don't you like it?"

"Well, it's a little..."

"Fine then, no name for you. In fact you can lose your current title, you are now The Demon Formerly Known as Crossroads Demon."

"No, please sir, nooooooooooooooooo." The Demon Formerly Known as Crossroads Demon began to cry.

Lucifer rolled his eyes.

"Get back to work" he yelled.

The Demon Formerly... oh fuck this... TDFKACD ran out of his office.

Lucifer smiled.

"I love ruining other people's day"

* * *

Nouka paced back and forth.

For the past couple of weeks, demons had been following him.

Lucifer knew.

He needed to talk to Zachariah, but he can't get hold of him.

Clearly, Zac knew Lucifer knew.

And, as Zac was a coward, Nouka knew he wouldn't see him for a while.

Nouka needed a way to lose the demons without any mortals or the other angels from knowing.

He didn't understand how the demons found him.

The only people who knew his general whereabouts was Zac, Lilith, Domino's pizza, that guy from Starbucks, the mechanic who had his car, the cast of NCIS and the employees at the local Taco Bell.

How the hell did they find him?


End file.
